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Friday, January 16, 2009

How to Keep Water Pipes From Freezing

Like most of the country, we are experiencing some cold weather. Make that very cold weather. Like it’s going to be 5 degrees below zero with a wind chill factor of twelve degrees below zero at night kind of cold weather. Brrr.

With weather like that we don’t want the water pipes in The Condo to freeze. We’re following the advice we got from the evening news. We are letting a small steady drip of water run from the faucets with plumbing that’s on the outside walls of The Condo. They also suggested that you open the cabinet doors under those sinks so the room heat can reach the pipes and keep them from freezing. So far, it’s working.


One caution that goes with keeping the cabinet doors open all day is that you might have to worry about small children or pets getting into the harmful cleaners that you may have stored underneath your sink. Well, here’s another unexpected surprise I got when I switched to using environmentally friendly baking soda and vinegar to clean The Condo (yeah, I know. I thought it was weird but it worked, who knew?) is that I don’t have to worry if Blitzkrieg gets into the cleaning supplies I store under the sinks. The worse thing that could happen to Blitzkrieg is that he might get a foamy baking soda and vinegar beard on his chin.




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Little voice coming from under my desk: That looks completely stupid. Why would you do such a thing to me? And an even bigger question is why did you do such an amateur job of it too?! No wonder you’re on the blogging D List!”

My brain, numbed by the cold, imagines that this voice from under my desk is coming from Blitzkrieg.

Husband (Wearing a headset microphone and playing Everquest at the computer desk next to mine): Sweetie. Who are you talking to? I said I’m taking the right flank! Right flank! Not my gnome wants to be the Tank! You realize you sound like a nutter, right?

Me: I set out to do a normal post about keeping your water pipes from freezing and Blitzkrieg is being all, “I’m Mr. Picky” about the photo of him that I slightly embellished for my blog post and he wants to do me one better because HE doesn’t think it’s an accurate representation of him in a fake baking soda and vinegar and bubble beard and I said that I’m trying to be cartoony and kitschy and HE said, “That it’s not professional enough” and I said, “Well of course not. I banged it out in like, a couple of minutes” and then HE said, “Well I could do it better” and then I said, “I’d like to see you try” and then HE said, “Well may be I will” and then I said,”Well maybe you should” and then HE said, “Fine I will and I will do it so much better than you” and then I said, "I doubt that because you don’t have any thumbs” and then HE called me a “Speciesist” and I said, “No I’m not. I’m stating a fact. You don’t have thumbs. I saw it on The Dog Whisperer.” And then we both agreed that Caesar Millan is cool.

Husband: I really shouldn’t leave you alone during the day, should I?

Blitzkrieg: OK first, if you’re going to augment my picture and again, I have no idea why you’d want to do such a thing anyway, then you should give me some street cred and give me an eye patch, so everyone instantly knows that I’m tougher than your average purse dog.

Me: Isn’t an eye patch going to blow your cover and tip off the bad guys that they shouldn’t underestimate you? That’s why you are the best watchdog in the neighborhood? Nobody expects a fluffy one eyed Pekingese to be Super Spy Dog.

Blitzkrieg: Well if that’s the case, I should be armed, you know, with a weapon - like a gun!

Me: You’ll never get a permit and I’m not co-signing for you.

Blitzkrieg: You can co-sign for a gun permit?

Me: I don’t know. I figure if Congress can co-sign for industry bailout loans I figure you can co-sign for pretty much anything these days.

Blitzkrieg: Well, if I can’t have a gun then I want a knife. A big o’ Psycho knife !

Huband (furiously typing on computer): WebMD, WebMD, WebMD….

Me: A knife? How cliché. Go with something unexpected like a cricket bat.

Blitzkrieg (annoyed): You know we’re in America, right? Not cricket! Baseball!

Me: Yea-ah! That’s. The. Point. No robber would expect you to defend yourself with a cricket bat! Besides, you can get a lot more leverage whack someone’s head off with a cricket bat than with a baseball bat.

Blitzkrieg: And you know this - how?

Husband (calling from the bathroom in a sing songy voice): Who wants Haldol?!

Me: Hello? Shaun of the Dead? Shaun + cricket bat + zombie head = no more zombie.

Blitzkrieg: Ooooh I should have a helmet! Something fierce and warrior like. Something that will scare my enemies so I won’t have to mutilate them because I really love people.

Me: It’s true. You are a kindhearted Pekingese when you’re not trying to gnaw someone’s face off.

Husband: Hey honey, look what I made just for you – my special chocolate chip Thorazine cookies! Don’t they look yummy? Don’t you want to try one, or um, ten?

Blitzkrieg: Oh yeah, and a tattoo! I need a tattoo! Yeah - something that says, "Don’t mess with me ‘cuz I’m always ready to put the hurt on you if you mess with my humans.”


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Blitzkrieg: Done! Check it.



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In conclusion, a small steady drip of water running from the faucets with plumbing on outside walls of your home and opening the cabinet doors under those sinks will help keep your water pipes from freezing in cold weather.

The End.

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